Dripping Pan, Mountfield Road, Lewes, April 1 2017
Lewes FC hereby announces that its 1,200 equal owners have voted by a slim majority for the club to leave the UK and become an independent and self-governing state. The 72.2% turnout was the largest in the club’s history.
Pilaster Firth, head of LewKIP, said “dare to dream that the dawn is breaking on an independent Lewes FC. This is a victory for the real people, for the ordinary people, for the decent people.” [Editor’s note: club officials have found it impossible to gauge the extent to which the 449 owners who voted to Leave are more or less real than the 417 who voted to Remain.]
Much has been made of the Leave campaign’s election pledge that the roughly £350 per week that the club pays in taxes to the UK would now be spent on the first team playing budget. Some have suggested that this pledge is unrealistic, and even that those who are saying it don’t really believe it, and will drop the idea at the first opportunity.
Some commentators have claimed that the cost to Lewes FC of providing its own infrastructure once UK government support is withdrawn might even *exceed* £350/week, ultimately making the club poorer. But such dissenting voices have been derided as “experts”. As one prominent Leaver put it, “we’ve had enough of people who are very knowledgeable about or skillful in any particular area.” Happily Lewes FC’s becoming independent will greatly reduce its number of experts.
Immigration was another big issue: some owners think that the club has been making it too easy for people who don’t live in Mountfield Road, and in some cases don’t even live in Lewes, to work at Lewes FC. One fan, Prima Aprilis, said, “I’ve seen people from Worthing, and Bognor, doing jobs that Lewesians could do. We’re at breaking point!” In response to the suggestion that the best thing for the club might be to hire the best person for each job, wherever they happen to come from, Aprilis retorted “yeah, but where does it end? People coming in from *Portsmouth*? *Hastings*? Is that what you want?”
Now that the result is in the Board can get on with planning for “Lewsit”. As it turns out, nobody at the club has thought about *how* Lewes FC can become an independent self-governing state. If the worst comes to the worst we’ll wing it. We have a proud history as a club (multiple Sussex Senior Cup wins) and that will go a long way. People will want to help us on our journey to a brighter future.
A number of our owners have suggested that as the election was very close, with 449 owners voting to leave and 417 to stay, we should try to come up with a plan that recognises that fact. They think that we ought to try to achieve some kind of compromise: the softest of Lewsits, a middle ground. After due consideration the Board’s response is, “Suck it, losers. This is binary. We know that if LewKIP had lost they would have graciously not mentioned the issue again for a generation. So: the 449 are the people whose will must be obeyed. Whatever Lewsit ends up looking like, however extreme. And the 417 need to shut their pie-holes. We are very scared of the Sussex Express. Oh and by the way, if you believe you’re a citizen of the UK, you’re a citizen of nowhere.”
We will not be keeping owners updated with a running commentary.
STOP PRESS: Barry bids for the Club Shop to secede from Lewes FC and become an independent self-governing state of its own.
Lewes FC welcomes Citizens of the World.
On April Fool’s Day and every day.